Vanished

I have no particular reason to be writing. Other than the fact that I have been stuck in my bed with a nasty infection for two days. It has yet to leave me.

Tomorrow is two months of Jeremy Tyler and I being together. To be married soon.

I had a rough weekend and beginning of this week. It was filled with doubt and insecurity. Me, being the unstable mess of emotions I am, cried at least two hours total. Excluding today. But in the midst of a waterfall this evening, I received a text from my boy that made me burst into laughter. At that point, all of my tears became ridiculous. And he had swept me off my feet. Once again.

Too bad I haven't seen a single one of his freckles in almost a week.

The new episode of Flipping Out is next. I can not wait to see it.

I spent my day eating various fresh fruits, getting my nails filled, and watching Rachel Zoe reruns. Rachel Zoe makes me crave LA a thousand times more. And oversized gold bangles, greasy hair, and five inch heels.

I have not had Starbucks all week. This is a fucking problem.

I got a lovely text the other day from Anderson that made me miss him a thousand times more. I see him everyday yet it feels like we're not nearly as close as we used to be.

Sara is back in the hospital. This makes my fear of driving even stronger. Since June 8th, my life has changed. It's not necessarily Lilly's death specifically. But the idea that Sara could have left us too. And both of them have always been so untouchable to the world. That night, as my mother and I were driving home from the airport, we drove past where the accident happened. I felt Lilly there, and I remember sobbing all the way home because of it. My mother was crying too. I remember wanting to put the top down on the convertible and feeling the wind on my face. At that point, nothing felt real. Reality stopped when the plane landed and I turned on my phone to countless voice mails, texts, and missed calls. I don't know if I'll ever be able to deal with the grief and fear I have. Can I just hire someone to drive me?

I see butterflies almost every day. Before June 8th I had only seen a few butterflies in my lifetime. A lot of people write on Lilly's wall about how they see butterflies when they're driving and they know it's her. Even though Lilly and I had only made eye contact a few times, I know when I need hope she's with me. The other day a tiny yellow butterfly flew around me. Not a day goes by where I wish I could have known her more closely. Lilly Irene Martyn has changed my life and will never know it.

I'm currently wearing a puke green oversized sweater and black leggings. I keep asking myself why and have yet to come up with a good answer.

It's about time for some hair dye and sheers.

I want to be tan again. I haven't been this pale in so long. When I get my license I will literally be at BRONZE every fucking day of my life.

As I'm sitting in the nail salon in my light blue vintage 90's Ralph Lauren blazer and skinnies, I hiccup. Immediately, the asian man sitting in front of me stands up, walks over to the sink and pours a cup of water from the tap. He then proceeds to walk into a back room. I hear a series of four or five beeps. When he comes out, he is glowing and a smile is spread across his face. He walks back to the table I'm sitting at (my nails half manicured), and sets a cup of steaming water next to me. I look at it, then at him, rather puzzled. 'You drink." He told me. I smiled and did as he said. My hiccups went away.

I'm exhausted. I need a good song right now... Band of Horses may be the cure.

It feels good to write again. Even though this shouldn't be called writing...

Red Apples

I didn't think I would ever see the day where I could be truly happy again.

Over the past few months, my life has done a one eighty.

That's about it.

I'm happy.

& he's all I need.

About to miss the new Project Runway.

JTP<33

Passing Afternoon

Today was the first day back to school in three months. I can't say I was thrilled to wake up at four fourty five. It was a typical first day. Syllabi, new policies, getting to know our classmates. All bullshit.

Silversun Pickups, Red Bull, and hugs were my saviors.

I really don't mind my classes though. I have Anatomy, English, Chem, Spanish and Media. My teachers are pretty lenient and I imagine with the new grading scale I'll have all A's. Piece of cake. I have plenty of making up to do from last year.

I've found someone who makes me happy. I don't know what to expect or whether to let my guard down or not, but I suppose mentally I'm ready for change. I need something in my life; I need some form of stability. Even though I'm unsure about the outcome of the situation life has presented me with, I know someway or another I'll learn to be happy again.

I have high expectations for what is going to happen between us. And maybe I shouldn't.

There's something about him that keeps my on my toes.

I am desperately craving smokes. It's a problem.

This weekend was fairly interesting. Sunday night mostly... I cleaned up regurgitated tequila and peanut butter crackers for seven hours.

I need a recommendation for a book to read.

Self Taught Learner

I always wind up in the middle of situations I never intend to be in.

I've always said I'm too much for this town.

Quite frankly, I'm in no mood to write at all.

I'm listening to Shwayze right now and craving another Wino.

I burnt Krysten's foot last night when I was ashing one.

I don't know him at all, but I want to be with him.

Maybe it's the change I'm looking for...

I really wish I didn't have terrible insomnia.

Krysten passed out early on me...

I switched back to my Blackberry today.

I felt so incomplete without it.

I love Anderson McIntyre.

My teeth are moving back.

I need a good book to read.

And a venti chai.

Two Days In Paris

"It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much. When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses."

The Shade of Poison Trees

I wish I had something to blog about. If I could change anything, it would be my motivation.

I want to shop at Barney's in NYC. I want to smoke b&ms on a regular. I want to go to an Marc Jacobs show. I want a Topman beanie. I want to drink Bacardi Limon and green tea for the rest of my life... seperately. I want to cuddle with a boy. I want to paint my toes purple. I want to stop missing the new LA Ink episodes. I want Elizabeth+James gladiator sandals. I want to go to Panera again with Anderson, but remember to order the right thing. I want to watch 'Two Days In Paris". I want Scott to be back. I want to go to sleep.

In This Lonely Town

I've always been one to put my heart on the line.

I have nothing interesting to write about today... other than the fact that I am done trying. I've lost him and it was completely effortless. For the last two years, I have been lectured by friends time and time again about the whole situation. Even though I am completely aware that the words they spew from their mouths are nothing but the truth, I remain naive. I should have lied to him when he asked me if I trusted him, but I know then that I would be in her position. In a sense, I'm really fucking glad it was her and not me.

Okay, I'm not done trying. But I want to be.

I don't think I'll ever be able to give this one up.

I need to s & d terribly. Someone buy me a square.