I have no particular reason to be writing. Other than the fact that I have been stuck in my bed with a nasty infection for two days. It has yet to leave me.
Tomorrow is two months of Jeremy Tyler and I being together. To be married soon.
I had a rough weekend and beginning of this week. It was filled with doubt and insecurity. Me, being the unstable mess of emotions I am, cried at least two hours total. Excluding today. But in the midst of a waterfall this evening, I received a text from my boy that made me burst into laughter. At that point, all of my tears became ridiculous. And he had swept me off my feet. Once again.
Too bad I haven't seen a single one of his freckles in almost a week.
The new episode of Flipping Out is next. I can not wait to see it.
I spent my day eating various fresh fruits, getting my nails filled, and watching Rachel Zoe reruns. Rachel Zoe makes me crave LA a thousand times more. And oversized gold bangles, greasy hair, and five inch heels.
I have not had Starbucks all week. This is a fucking problem.
I got a lovely text the other day from Anderson that made me miss him a thousand times more. I see him everyday yet it feels like we're not nearly as close as we used to be.
Sara is back in the hospital. This makes my fear of driving even stronger. Since June 8th, my life has changed. It's not necessarily Lilly's death specifically. But the idea that Sara could have left us too. And both of them have always been so untouchable to the world. That night, as my mother and I were driving home from the airport, we drove past where the accident happened. I felt Lilly there, and I remember sobbing all the way home because of it. My mother was crying too. I remember wanting to put the top down on the convertible and feeling the wind on my face. At that point, nothing felt real. Reality stopped when the plane landed and I turned on my phone to countless voice mails, texts, and missed calls. I don't know if I'll ever be able to deal with the grief and fear I have. Can I just hire someone to drive me?
I see butterflies almost every day. Before June 8th I had only seen a few butterflies in my lifetime. A lot of people write on Lilly's wall about how they see butterflies when they're driving and they know it's her. Even though Lilly and I had only made eye contact a few times, I know when I need hope she's with me. The other day a tiny yellow butterfly flew around me. Not a day goes by where I wish I could have known her more closely. Lilly Irene Martyn has changed my life and will never know it.
I'm currently wearing a puke green oversized sweater and black leggings. I keep asking myself why and have yet to come up with a good answer.
It's about time for some hair dye and sheers.
I want to be tan again. I haven't been this pale in so long. When I get my license I will literally be at BRONZE every fucking day of my life.
As I'm sitting in the nail salon in my light blue vintage 90's Ralph Lauren blazer and skinnies, I hiccup. Immediately, the asian man sitting in front of me stands up, walks over to the sink and pours a cup of water from the tap. He then proceeds to walk into a back room. I hear a series of four or five beeps. When he comes out, he is glowing and a smile is spread across his face. He walks back to the table I'm sitting at (my nails half manicured), and sets a cup of steaming water next to me. I look at it, then at him, rather puzzled. 'You drink." He told me. I smiled and did as he said. My hiccups went away.
I'm exhausted. I need a good song right now... Band of Horses may be the cure.
It feels good to write again. Even though this shouldn't be called writing...
