Lilly & Sara

I always write when I'm upset.

I was on the plane home from Florida when it happened. I'm terrified of planes, and I remember thinking about dying as Death Cab blared in my ears. When the plane landed, I turned on my phone. I had eleven unread text messages and a voicemail. At that point, I knew something was wrong.

"Did you hear what happened to Sara?"

"Are you okay?"

"Did you hear about the wreck?"

"Sara is dead."

Quite honestly, I couldn't breathe. I looked at my mom and she knew. I tried calling several people before someone gave me the full story. All I really remember hearing is that Lilly had died, and Sara was in a coma. When I heard that Sara was in a coma, I was walking through the airport to get to the car. I had to get off the phone and sit down. My mother went to the restroom, and I sat nearly alone in the airport sobbing. A few strangers walked by, but all I could think about was seeing Lilly at the tanning salon a few months ago.

Her black jeep was in the parking lot, and I saw her sitting in the waiting area through the window. Her hair was pulled back and she had a headband in it. I recall her kind of smiling at me as I sat in the car about to go inside. Something about her struck me.

When my mother walked out of the restroom she hugged me for probably two minutes. At one point, Sara and I had been best friends. We practically spent every moment together one summer. Juvenile, yet somehow meaningful, we bought matching shirts that read "Twinkies Twinkies Twinkies" on the front, and on the back... "On My Mind" with a faded pink heart.

The last time I saw Sara was a few months prior when I went to her dad's house. We sat on her bed and talked for a while. Then we watched a movie and fell asleep. In the morning we ate microwaveable sausage biscuits, and I left shortly after. As I was leaving, we made a promise not to let another two years pass before we saw each other again. So it wasn't the most exciting night... but I had to know that she still existed and we were still close.

So many things went through my mind on the car ride home. I wanted to go to the spot where they wrecked, just so I could know it was real. I wanted to go to the hospital to see Sara. I thought about how pretty she was and how jealous I had always been of her. I wanted to put on my Twinkie shirt that instant. I thought about her mother and everything she had been through. I thought about her father and how he was always cautious about who she rode with and what kind of car they had. I thought about her brother Jake. I thought about the time when Sara and I walked to get smoothies from the coffee shop. I thought about the time when her brother's friend fell off of the hot tub. I thought about her bathing suit top that I still had in my drawer. I thought about how I had a pair of her bottoms too, but I coincidentally took them to Florida with me. I thought about when Toni and Sara and I went to Kings Island. I thought about kidnapping her from the hospital and driving her to Kings Island right then and there. I thought about the time I saw her and Lilly at Target but I didn't even say hi. I thought about Lilly's mom saying her name to get her attention and remembering exactly what it sounded like.

I had surgery scheduled for the next morning at six. When we got home, I sat on the kitchen counter as my mom started the coffee for the morning. I had a breakdown and almost decided not to have my surgery so I could go see Sara and go to Lilly's funeral. I barely slept that night at all. She was in bad condition and the doctors didn't expect her to make it through the night. I waited for the phone call to tell me that she had passed. I don't believe in prayer, but I remember pleading and asking someone or something out there to help her.

I got in the car in the morning to drive to the surgery center. I had received no phone call or text about Sara's condition. I suppose it was not knowing if she was okay or not that bothered me the most. When we got to the surgery center, I refused to get out of the car. I couldn't go into surgery without knowing whether Sara was dead or alive. If she had passed, I decided I would not have the surgery.

The next thing I remember is my mother's hand on my back guiding me into the building. I was crying so hard I couldn't put my gown on. The nurses gave me anxiety medication so I could stop crying long enough for them to put my IV in.

As I waited for the anesthesiologist to arrive, I overheard the nurses talking about the wreck in the other room. Once again, I started crying. I asked my mother to ask them to stop talking about it, and I plugged my ears so long they burned. I really wasn't sure if I would be able to make it through surgery. At that point, I would have rather been at the hospital with Sara.

I waited for news on her for what seemed like forever. A friend of a friend of a friend was giving me updates on her condition while I was recovering.

It still seems unreal. I often find myself looking at Lilly's Facebook to read what everyone says about her and wishing there was something I could say. I talk to Sara as much as I can just to know she is doing okay. I keep my Twinkie shirt on my bed, and whenever I drive I think about the two of them. The other day I was outside with my mom and my niece, and a butterfly flew around my waist. It reminded me of Lilly, and I almost hope it was her. I wish she knew how much of an impact not only her life, but her death has made on me and everyone else around her. It is amazing to me how many people love her and the capacity in which they do so.

I texted Sara tonight because I started crying. I know that she is suffering and it hurts me probably more than it should. I know that when I visit her within the next week, I will see pain in her eyes and be reminded of how unfair death is. I know that no one deserves to go through this, but I hope she will learn and grow from this experience. I know that she can get through this.

A part of Lilly will live on through everyone who loves her.

RIP Lilly Irene Martyn.

I love you Sara aka SaltShakaaa. Stay strong babygirl.

(I promise we will make another dance as soon as you get aalllll better.)